1) We are accused of starting nuclear wars and also causing planes to crash.
It goes something like this;
“Sccchhh, er Heathrow, witnessing a nuclear explosion over Dorset. Do you copy? Over. Sccchhh”
“Er, nope, Quantas, that would be the sheer goddam white reflection from the legs of Hannah Smith. She notified us she is on holiday and at the beach. Over. Scccchhh”.
“MY EYES! Over! Sccccccch!”
Aaaaand, it’s too late.
2) Our friends end up hating us and avoid us totally before the end of July.
Because we don’t want to do anything outside. At all. In fact, we just don’t want to do anything. Unless you invite us to sit very still, with a wet flannel on our heads and rapidly advance global warming by using lots of fans and air con and precious tap water for our paddling pools.
3) The sunshine causes an optical illusion. And not one in our favour.
It doesn’t matter if a person is the size of a bus (and all power to them), a tan makes them look thinner. Fact. And a lack of any tan in comparison whatsoever makes even the skinniest ginger appear fatter.
4) People suspect we have a drinking problem.
One solo sunbeam finds our vampire skin and we BURST into a colour brighter than the sun. We look constantly out of it, flushed and pissed.
5) People accuse us of causing rapid advances in global warming.
As I mentioned before. WE NEED TO STAY COOL.
(yeah you don’t want a stiff breeze or an hyper kid running around and bashing into stuff in that situation).
6) Our faces explode.
Skin weaker than a baby + enough suncream slathered on that we look like a Geisha = a pizza face.
7) People think have aged suddenly, in the past few weeks, since the spring, when we last had energy and were communicative and unaffected by the sun’s death rays. They think…we must be terribly ill.
Ok, right, we don’t tan. We freckle. And then our individual freckles morph together with other individual freckles, like oil drops finding each other, creating ONE GIANT FRECKLE. We look like we have liver spots.
8) People laugh at our hats.
So there you go. Roll on winter. And a life of shade and cool.