Don’t Speak

Things never to say…

 

1)      To me when I am on a diet;

“Wow! You look as if you’ve lost weight!”

Do I?!”

*instantly unwraps and inhale 8 mars bars*

(Why is that?)

 

2)      To children who are playing nicely together;

“Wow! You guys are playing nicely together!”

I got to the word “playing” before my brain woke up from its dopey, pleasant snooze, sat bolt upright, assessed the situation in a nanosecond and started screaming at my mouth

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING YOU BELL END?!”

Too late.

NEVER PRAISE GOOD BEHAVIOUR. It will just bite you on the ass. Continue, instead, to pretend that you have just gone deaf and blind.

 

3)      To a busy housewife;

“Han, I know you do most of the washing, but”  *shakes slightly smaller than it was fleece jacket at me* “Please can you try to remember not to put the fleeces in the tumble dryer”

There are 2 things wrong with that sentence, darling. You figure it out.

 

4)      Say to a buy housewife a few weeks after you have said number 3;

“Ignore the ironing and the washing and just have fun with the kids instead!”

He meant it really nicely. He says it all the time. Because he doesn’t think I should stress about the laundry and should just have fun with the kids instead and enjoy myself. Because he is lovely. But he just said it at the wrong time during my menstrual cycle. I went quietly mental. I weighed his pants.

There are 2 laundry baskets in our house, one in the boys’ room, and the one in our bedroom which sits nestled in the corner by Smudge’s side of the bed, being fed items of clothing. Last week I was hovering the bedroom and all of a sudden went

“HOLY CRAP BALLS, BATMAN!”

as I caught sight of the linen basket. It was like a big fat mugger had jumped out from behind an alley

“RAHHH!”

I just bloody emptied you 2 days ago, I think. Well, I think, let’s just see how big you can actually get, shall we, I think (and mutter about pants under my breath – sign number 1 that I am mental). It went like this. I…

a)     Emptied the basket and sifted through the clothing, sorting it in to his pile, my pile and the kids pile. Then I…

b)     Removed all my stray bits of clothing. The odd pair of pants. Some pj’s. And then I…

c)      Reloaded the other dirty laundry back in to the laundry basket, in the correct order of chaos they came out in (Sign number 2 that I am mental). And then I…

d)     Took a photo (sign number 3 that I am mental)

laundry 1

And then I…

e)     Waited two days. And then I…

f)       Brought the bathroom scales upstairs and weighed the washing basket (sign number 4 that I am mental). It weighed 1 ½ stone. ONE AND A HALF STONE.

g)     So I took another photo

laundry 2

 

h)    And over the course of the next few days I monitor the situation. Taking more photos.

laundry 3

It’s like an undercracker refugee camp. So much confusion, so much chaos. If pants could speak they would be saying

“You have no idea of the conditions in here! It’s so cramped! It really smells!”

(sign number 5 that I am mental – talking underpants).

Yes I know I could have spent that time actually doing the washing rather than unloading, loading and weighing and taking photos of its growth.

It’s a basket case. I’m a basket case.

 

5)      Out loud to your husband;

“Ed was funny today. He was talking about babies. He asked me;

‘When you and daddy cuddled and made me and Alex in your tummy, did daddy cuddle you all day and all night?”

Smudge and I overlapped and spoke over each other the 2 following sentences

As Smudge said;  “I hope you told him in an Eddie Murphy voice, HELL YEAAAAAH!”.

I said; “I giggled and said not a chance”

*silence*

(I have done his laundry without protesting for a week now)

 

6)      To a tramp;

“Hello, I bought you a cup of tea, you look so cold”

His reply;

“I don’t drink tea or coffee. I’m a Mormon”

“Oh”.

Is there tramp etiquette, I thought?! Does one ask a tramp if they have certain religious beliefs, are vegetarian, or only eat foods which are yellow?!

Beggars can be choosers it turns out.

 

7)      BELLOW furiously when you open the front door without looking up from the shoes you just tripped over in the porch

“WHY DON’T YOU EVER REMEMBER YOUR BLOODY KEY FOR F*CKS SAKE?!”

It could be someone collecting for charity.

(It was)

 

8)      A friend you see in the street, who you have not seen for a while who has obviously gained a lot of weight

*panic*

“WOW! You’ve lost weight!”

(*penny drops*…I ate 8 mars bars after someone told me that)

 

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3 Responses to Don’t Speak

  1. Although you may be mental, I have also weighed the washing. I have 7 children, I wash a lot, and someone was putting in far more than their share and it was giving me an extra load each 2 days, and yes, to my shame I took the washing and I weighed it. In fairness I never took photo’s, I got my bewildered other half to stand patiently and listen to my explanation and make soothing noises and witness the weighings.

    I was right though, over a week she did put in almost the equivalent of 3 of the other comparably sized teenagers…. 😀

  2. sarahmo3w says:

    Have not been driven quite as far as weighing the washing, but the whole ‘don’t worry about the washing thing’ annoys me. Because there will be complaints when those pants and shirts run out and the fairies haven’t been in to prevent situation from escalating.

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