Fickle Filmania

I’m going to throw you some real crappers here, but please know that they are being delivered seriously sugar coated.

Mmmmm. Hungry? For my information at least, if not for a crap cake with a glittery frosting on top. I found some facts out today. Facts, I tell you! I read an article which alerted me to some facts (*bites a knuckled fist*) about some alternative endings to our favourite movies that they tried to sneak past us. Apparently, some of the movies we know and love (even if we love them so we can love to hate them) had different finales to the ones we know (and love and hate). Brace yourself.

The orginal ending to Pretty Woman saw Julia Roberts addicted to crack and thrown out by Richard Gere.


Apparently he threw three thousand dollars at her and told her to sod off on those big feet of hers as the audience watched her shrivelled frame shuffle off into the distance (and the credits) with her giant mouth mouthing

“Noooooooooo! Hey, has anyone got any more crack?”

WHAT A SHIT IDEA. Thank GOD for the test audience, whizzed up on the uber high sugar content of their complimentary MASSIVE bucket of fatty fizzy 8 litre drinks and the promise of a good kinky rom com that would see Richard Gere be a bit of a bastard but not too much of a bastard just enough to make them think

“Ooooh, you bastard, I want you, I hate you, I want you, I hate you I want you I hate you SNOG HER FACE OFF RIGHT NOW AND SNOG MY FACE OFF WHILE YOU ARE AT IT IN MY DREAMS! Ugh. I hate you! But I want you!”

etc etc etc

No one actually WANTED him to actually be a PROPER BASTARD. Where is the fun in THAT? If we wanted to see actual bastards we could just turn on the telly and watch the news and the politicians and scream

“BASTARD!” at the TV.

Even if it turned out that she deserved to get kicked to the kerb and Richard Gere wasn’t a BASTARD for telling her to do one, but that he was actually a heart broken, soul broken, husk of a man after walking in with an uber cute (OH MY GOD IT’S SO CUTE) puppy in one hand and a MASSIVE DIAMOND RING THE SIZE OF THE MOON in the other hand and a lead tied round his waist which was attached to a teeny tiny falabella pony upon which rode a little orphan child he adopted, just to see some skanky chubby wall street broker doing a line of cocaine across Julia Roberts ass? Then still, GET RID of the depressing ending that doesn’t include a Roxette iconic track and someone with a serious vertigo issue chewing on a rose scaling some exterior stairs. I want the lies ok? Don’t tell me the truth. Or even hint at it. YOU’RE THE BASTARDS, HOLLYWOOD. YOU.

So, thanks test audiences, you guys did you job well. You saved us from the depressing truth.

Want to know some other alternative endings? In the original script of Aliens, Ripley doesn’t end up winning the fight against the aliens and surviving, floating off in a pod into space in her (very white, considering her recent experiences) knickers (sorry if I’m throwing you any spoilers here in telling you the ending to the released version btw, but you’ve had like 30 years to see it). Instead the big mother alien kills her and puts her head on a spike and bobs it around and sends a fake message, via TV, back to earth. Sort of like this.



Ripley final


And finally, at the end of the version of the film “Titanic” that you, I and the entire adult world at the time saw in 1997, we watched Rose drop THE REALLY PRECIOUS AND EXPENSIVE NECKLACE into the bottomless mega gurt hungry pit that is the ocean. Ah. Yes. She dropped that necklace just as readily as she dropped the 60 odd years of love, devotion and memories that was her marriage to her ACTUAL husband. You know? The other guy. Not Jack (who she boffed once and watched freeze to death while she bobbed about on a GIANT DOOR) but the other main man in her life. You know, that guy (the bloke they don’t even deem worthy of a name) with whom she had kids, the one who took all those photos of her horse riding on the sand, flying a plane, spending his life behind the camera because when it came down to it, right at the end, even he knew that she wouldn’t want any photo’s of her with him in it hanging around. Basically the guy she spent DECADES with, only for her to die and then skip off like a school girl on a first date to Jack and spend eternity with him as a ghost.

Shallow. Shallow unlike the deep dark sea in which she finally rested and commited her ghostly adultery.

In the original version that test audiences drop kicked out the cinema and the version we didn’t see, Rose didn’t die in the film at all. Instead, while still alive she donated her body and brain to medical science and became Robocop.

Not really.

No, in the first and unseen version, she just hung around for a bit, throwing more of her kids inheritance into the sea, talking about her early sex life and how she got painted all naked, just because she knew it made everyone feel a bit awkward really. And then the film ended with her shuffling barefoot along the deck of a big boat, at night, in freezing conditions while the audience marvelled at her pretty pink toe nails and went

“Ahhhh, even though she’s REALLY old, she still takes care of her feet. And even though she had a mega love once, and lost it, she was lucky enough to find love again and have a happy life.”


I’d have preferred THAT ending.

But apparently the rest of the world (small test audience) didn’t. Whev’s. So in summary, we all want different things from a movie. And can you imagine if any of the films above had been released with their original endings? Even if we don’t agree with the endings given, I think we’d all feel somewhat robbed of an experience.

So there you go. The bits they didn’t want us to see or know about. So, Hollywood does lie. And it lies about it’s lies.


Your thoughts?


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