Humans And Bananas

Halloween has inspired me! I saw a small child dressed head to toe in fancy dress oozing blood and gore and guts (all together now – awwwwww), stumbling about in the street at 4pm like a well seasoned drunk and it got me thinking….Like the human and the banana, kids and zombies have 50% of the same DNA.

Look. A zombie apocalypse is inevitable. One day I will go for a wee at 4 in the morning, glance out the bathroom window and find a zombie ripping into a neighbour on the front lawn. Face facts – we need to study in order to be prepared.

“Preparation is KEY!” as they say. But unless the Government have a hoard of the undead pegged out like Heidi’s goats in an underground bunker (they do you know) we need to improvise. And what better than to use our own young.

CALM DOWN! I DON’T MEAN TURN THEM INTO ZOMBIES AND FILM THE AFTERMATH ON A SMART PHONE.

Gawd.

*eye roll*

OTT much?!

I mean, look at your little stumbling, slack jawed, germy entity as it tries to spread its multiple bodily infections by gumming you. Our mini-me’s have many an uncanny similarity to zombies. Let’s exploit our X and Y chromosome projects! Anyone deemed smart is always on about how we should LEARN from the kids. This must be the subtext! For you and for I! For why? Here goes.

Always bear in mind…

1) They both have a severe lack of humour when hungry. Which is always. Solve by ensuring you ALWAYS have a snack for them, something small you  can fit in your pocket. Rice cakes for baby. Something little with a pulse for the zombie. Like a hamster.

2) They are unpredictable.

“Look, I fed the baby at this exact time yesterday and then showed him Mr Happy Bunny Teddy and he LOVED it and was happy all day” *holds up screaming, bright red faced baby at arms length*

and

“Look, I threw a squirrel at him yesterday and he then moaned for a bit and went over the road and seemed fine” *points at Zombie angrily scratching at the door* “I just gave him next door’s Cocker-Spaniel! Why is he being so fussy?”

As someone great once said; “Zombies by their very nature are inconsistent”.

3) They are both easily distracted. Use this to your advantage.

“Look screaming baby! Keys!” *rattle rattle!* Use the momentary distraction to escape and pass the ticking emotional 17lb time bomb to a grandparent and run to safety (a pub).

“Look Zombie!” *Tap tap tap* “A dead rat I speared on a big stick! Fetch!” *Javelins the stick 8 feet away and runs to safety (a fortress high on a hill with lots of nuclear weapons. And a pub).

4) Neither child nor zombie is able to communicate well.

“MWRRRRAAAUUUUGGGGGHHH!”

“Sorry what? I don’t…I don’t know what you’re saying to me…What do you mean? What do you want? Ugh just speak for God’s sake! Stop pointing! USE YOUR WORDS! USE YOUR WORDS!!!!”

Option a) scream and shout. Screaming and shouting in frustration helps momentarily, and both child and zombie will shout louder and for longer than you can, repeating the same noise until you have a mental breakdown upon realising the utter hopelessness of it all.

Or

Option b) Run away and hide. Socially frowned upon with regards to caring for kids, but generally agreed upon as a good idea when escaping from zombies.

5) They both look permanently drunk. They stumble about, their centre of gravity God knows where, but seemingly somewhere in the lower neck as they lurch and wobble about, head jutting a good foot in front of the rest of their bodies. Wobbling, staggering, lolloping and stalling, eyeballing things to investigate, use to focus on and regain balance, before stumbling on once more like they are battered.

This is a good thing.

a) it’s funny and entertaining, and

b) you can always outrun a drunk. Like,

“Waaaa, woooo, can’t catch me!”

But beware – they often move in packs. Whilst comedy side to side jumping away from one of them, doing little shakey shakey bum wiggles, you may trip over another. The end.

6) Both ignore dental hygiene when really they should be ensuring they take care of their teeth as the main tools they need for contentment. For children, to eat sweets and cake. For zombies, to break skin and consume flesh. If a zombie wants to continue being a zombie then a good dental hygiene routine is a real must. Of course, we don’t want zombies to continue being zombies so perhaps everyone should cover themselves in jam and roll in sugar every morning to ensure that should they get bitten during the day, they are doing their bit for mankind and joining the fight against zombies by rotting their teeth.

7) Neither socialise well with the same species and neither share.

Toddler – smacks other toddler in the face, steals its toy, pushes the other toddler to the ground and climbs on it, pushing its face down into the Lamaze brain-stimulating carpet. Rips head off said toy and moves on to the next victim.

Zombie – scrambles over a dozen other zombies crushing them into the mud, smacking other zombies in the face, steals their flailing human, rips its head off and moves on to the next victim.

8) They both attack things with a lack of understanding of their own strength;

Baby - tugs on toy suction-padded to the high chair table. Succeeds. Smacks self in the face with it hard.

Zombie – goes to grab a person running away from them and snares them by the hair. Pulls that person’s head off.

9) They both stumble about with little T-Rex arms pulled up into their chests. Want to knock over a toddler or a zombie? Knock it over from behind. They can’t extend their arms in time before hitting the floor. (this is my THEORY of course, never practiced it. Ever. THEORY…)

10) They both want to bite you. Unavoidable and most often when you least expect it.

“What’s that baby?” *baby wiggles its T-Rex arms at you “You want to give mummy a cuddle? Ahhhh…ARRRRGHHHHH MY CHEEK!! YOU BIT ME!”

and

*Ding Dong!* “Oh, must be the postman! Hello Postma – ARRRRGGGGGH! YOU BIT ME!”.

Avoid close contact with anything and everything. Unless they are so young they don’t have teeth or so old they don’t have teeth.

11)They both get really angry over apparently nothing.

Babies – you have food, love, warmth and the entertainment of watching your parents running round like headless chickens.

Zombies – you have the entire world’s population to eat. You have no other goals or needs.

Why are you all so CROSS?!

12) They both are very gassy and full of painful wind. Babies, because they are unable to move much and consume a lot of air through crying. Zombies, because their insides are dead and rotting and filling with septic fumes. I am sure if the zombie could shift his gas he might cheer up a bit.

“Come on now!” *human leans out of bedroom window holding a broom handle, masking taped to the loft hatch stick, welded to a shovel and slaps the zombie on the back with it.

“BUUUUUUURRRRRRRRP!”

“Ahhh. Better now? Ahhh… SHIT, BRIAN! HE’S USING THE SHOVEL TO BREAK THE LOUNGE WINDOW!!”

13) They both crap themselves and don’t do anything about it. They just sit in it. Think about it, have you ever seen a Zombie say;

“RRAAAHHHH AAAAARRRGHHH OOOOH wait a minute! Dennis, keep your eye on that live one for me. I need to nip to the loo a sec.”

No. You haven’t.

14) Both will launch an attack on your nervous system should they not be able to successfully attack you physically. They do this through “Random Shrieking”. No warning, no reason, no why, just

“MIIIUUUUAAARRRRGGGGGH!”

at a pitch so terrifyingly high it sends every nerve in your body into a spasming, shocking meltdown. An instant reaction of wanting to burst into tears but you don’t know why.

15) Both launch their best attacks at night time. Dark, disorientated with an overhwleming feeling that you are totally alone in the world, this is when you are at your weakest. They know it. They are both wide awake and ready to destroy you and will do so happily.

16) Both are attracted to light. I noticed this whilst taking them Trick or Treating. Light means food.

Zombie – “Liigggghtttt. Life must dwell there ready for me to destroy!” *does sudden 90 degree turn and stumbles towards pumpkin*

Toddler – “Light! Pumpkin! Sweets!” *does sudden 90 degree turn and stumbles towards pumpkin*

So, there you are. Whoever it was who said we can really learn a lot from our kids was right. And you’re welcome.

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7 Responses to Humans And Bananas

  1. sarahmo3w says:

    This is the first blogpost I’ve ever read about the zombie apocalypse and you can guarantee it will be the only post I ever, EVER read comparing babies to zombies.
    And it’s to your credit.

  2. Sam Candour says:

    Oh mate, this had me crying with laughter! You’re so right!

  3. hurrahforgin says:

    Wow – you have done your homework on zombies! I deffo have 2 of them at home. Scared now!

  4. Ben says:

    I do worry about you sometimes, besides every knows the best way to kill zombies is to burn them and not nuke them.
    Oh and the biting? Know that feeling too well, especially dangerous when your son is at the perfect height to bite your bits….

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