“Never ever will I ever” said she who know’s it all

In the days before my womb had been used as rental accommodation, I had some pretty strong views on things I would never, ever do as a mother.

I was a fool.

I declared I would:

1) Never, ever let them eat food I have not yet paid for whilst I push them round the supermarket.

A trolley with a child in it is a ticking time bomb. I can make a game of finding things only for so long –

“Oooh! First person to find (enter random item) WINS!”

Whizzing round the TV guides, through the shampoos, just about getting past the nappies before the children spot the bread aisle and I spot my weapon of bribery choice – the baguette. An excellent weapon choice – easy to simply rip chunks off, feed to the caged animals yet not look too scuzzy because the baguette wrapper stands firm and tall and hides your theft and your conscience. If their mouths are full, my ears are empty and at peace.

2) Never, ever be a shouty mum or one who argues with her children. We will have mutual respect and maintain a level of calm always. We will talk through our problems.

(God, I was naive. I think back at that pregnant wannabe hippy and think how close I was to renaming myself “Rain” and growing my body hair so long I could plait it).

We had friends to stay at the weekend. Friends without children. It was approaching the end of the day and the boys started to fight. They rolled about the lounge like a human ball of tumbleweed, arms and legs everywhere, bellowing at each other about the battered, plastic, pointless toy man they were fighting over.

I mean...seriously?

 

In I waded.

“STOP IT! WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER!” (she shouts) “WHY?!” (she shouts even louder) “STOP SHOUTING!” (she shouts)

Our friends looked horrified. And a bit scared.

“What was that all about” asked one of them, once a level of calm has been restored.

“That” I said “Was the best contraception you will ever have”.

3) If the children refuse to eat the dinner I have slaved over, I will send them to bed without anything.

No. If they go to bed without dinner, then they don’t sleep past 5.30am the following day. They will eat that dinner. Whether they like it or not. That lamb tagine did not cook itself. Dinner time is often a battlefield strewn with threats (puddings held over bins) and weapons (blunt child friendly forks and knives which still pack a punch when hurled at my head) but they will eat. They will feed.

4) Always read to the children every night. Reading is so important.

Yes. It is. But there are times when I am so tired that I almost will them to do one more naughty thing so I can say

“Right! That’s it! No story tonight!”.

Yes. I know. I am evil.

5) Never, ever cut my own children’s hair myself. I will not let my child be that child at school.

I am the mother of that child. If I took them to Nicky Clarke himself he would still have to randomly and intermittently, on a wing and a prayer, jab his scissors at the whirling dervish of a hair bear and hope for the best. I can do that in my own kitchen and be £15 better off.

5) Never, ever let them eat sweets. I will be Buckinghamshire’s version of Giselle Bundchen, I thought. I too will ensure my kids think that broccoli and carrots are “sweets” and “treats”.

(Except that I look like I ate Giselle Bundchen…and then ate her broccoli and carrots…and then ate her kids…and then some Haribo)

Let’s just say, my kids know their Dairy Milk from their Thorntons.

6) Never, ever let a child wee anywhere other than a toilet.

The boys went to stay with my mum for a few days. When I picked them up she said to me:

“Hannah, a funny thing happened. Edward said he needed a wee when we were out in the car. So I got him out of his car seat and told him we would quickly find a toilet. He said to me “Don’t worry, nanny!” and simply dropped his trousers and his pants and did a wee against the tyre of the car…”

Did he?!” I said, trying to act really shocked and surprised….”How weird!”

But this is a bonus of having boys.

8) Never, ever waste the time of the medical professionals.

I judged parents of children at the doctors surgery whizzing around like they had fireworks up their backsides and the energy of Superman. I rolled my eyes and thought how pathetic that parents were panicking at the first runny booger that exited the nostril of their child and would take up valuable and in-demand emergency appointments at the Doctors’ surgery.

Do I do this now? Of course I do. I always do this. If a finger gets poked in an ear and a frown appears then that is IT. I am straight on the phone. Because until you have had a child with an ear infection in the middle of the night, you have experienced NOTHING.

*Presses 2 on speed dial*

“I need an appointment for my baby son!” *looks at Ed, 4 1/2*

“Is it an emergency?”

“Yes!” (It could be)

And we race to the surgery and I sit down…and watch whilst Ed rocks backwards and forwards like a mentalist on the ride-a-long Elephant in the waiting room, complete with the happiest, healthiest face in the world, whilst I say things like

“Be careful darling! Your poor ear!” and giving him glares of “You are supposed to be ill!”

9) Always maintain impeccable standards of hygiene and etiquette over food.

Would you ever eat something that was picked up by hands that had moments before been touching a bum, been put in someone else’s mouth, spat out, left to fester until cold in congealing tomato ketchup and then licked again? No. Of course not.

Do I? Yes. Of course I do. I am on a diet and those are the children’s leftovers. Never has a soggy fish finger looked more appealing than when you are doing “The 30 day Shred”. I am disgusting. Would I do this with someone else’s leftovers? NO. Of course not. Are my children any cleaner than someone else’s child? No. Of course not.

So there you go, a little summary of how things change.

Experience is a great thing isn’t it?

 

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12 Responses to “Never ever will I ever” said she who know’s it all

  1. oh cuz the word nievity has a lot to answer too, well funny yet again keep up the excellent blogs, lots of love, offside rear tyre is legal to piss against as long as try to hide, also a policemens helmet if your pregnant xxx

  2. ela toogood says:

    We all make those mistakes,sayin we wouldnt do this and that.but in the end you have got to do what you think its right.we all try our best.xxxx

  3. bonniecroft says:

    never yet finished a weeks shop with a complete French stick !!!.
    Used to be able to blame it on you kids, now if I get a funny look I just talk to myself and people avoid me .
    It goes on Han xxxxx

  4. Jools says:

    Brilliant reading as always Hannah. Every day a new naff blog seems to pop up on the Internet which makes me realise how much I enjoy yours!

  5. Suzanne says:

    Ha ha! This is so accurate, I nodded my way through the entire list! Think I’ve partaken in all of those….shameful parenting!

  6. Katie says:

    I love this one. Soooo true of my own story as a parent too.

  7. Hanna says:

    love your blog! It’s soo true – even more so with five kids 😉

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