Somehow I feel like I am being dragged into the school assembly in just my pants and socks whilst the other kids point and laugh at me for being an idiot for believing it is
“Wear only your pants and socks to school day!”.
But I can’t help it. Yes yes yes, it’s from The Daily Mail. But I like the Mail sometimes (SO SHOOT ME). It gives me stuff to blog about. Henceforth, this blog about the article bursting with tom guffery I stumbled across today! Huzzah!
Journalist Ashley Pearson really, really, REALLY wants you all to know at the very beginning of what she is about to spout forth, that this is a REAL article with a REAL survival guide full of MUSTS for YOU that YOU MUST HAVE in order to survive after, you know, you have already quite capably survived growing a human and evicting it from your person.
And she isn’t talking essentials such as 6 newborn size babygros, 6 pairs of scratch mittens, 8 muslin cloths, and 10 billion packets of cotton wool balls. She is saying that she REALLY wants you to know what to get in order to survive what she calls the “Fourth Trimester” (the bit where baby has left the building like John McLane from Die Hard, causing said building to explode with it). Ashley says that for the price of…
…let’s see now…
Bugaboo buggy for £729…
Diet meals being delivered to your door at £200 a pop per month…
A special man bag for £150, specifically for your husband to put the baby’s crappy nappies in when he is out and about, just in case his penis shrivelled up and fell off in the delivery room…
tap tap tap on my calculator…
Yes, for £2,613.38 (give or take – I cut her some slack on the under-eye concealer) you too can survive the fourth trimester and become “YOU” again! Hurrah!
Now some feedback on this total bumwipe, Hannah style.
1) Ashley says - spend £149 on a face cream.
Hannah says - spend £149 on a face cream and I guarantee you will either a) find your husband applying it to the babies backside or b) you will carry it downstairs after having had 5 hours sleep over the course of a week, cuddling it, talking to it as if it is the newborn child before dropping it in your coffee thinking it is creamer. Fact.
2) Ashley says – spend £125 on a facial brush (and you get to choose which “cute colour” which will really help cheer you up)
Hannah says – spend £125 on a facial brush and you will use it to hit the collapsible travel cot with when you CAN’T GET THE FUCKING THING TO STAY STANDING UP screaming
“IS THIS MAGICALLY GIVING ME BACK THE NINE MONTHS OF VITAMINS AND HEALTH SUCKED FROM MY BODY BY SOMEONE WHO WEIGHS NINE POUNDS AND SCREAMS AT ME ALL DAY?!!!”
Actually. That may help a bit.
3) Ashley says - spend £33 for those rare occasions on pretty underwear when you feel romantic in the first four months after birth
Hannah says – spend £33 for those rare occasions on pretty underwear when you feel romantic in the first four months after birth aaannnnnnnnd…. roll over a centimetre at a time (lest you wake the infant lying in the crib next to you from it’s rare sleeping slumber) in your chilli-con-carne-stained baggy PJ’s and wake your husband up from the fantasy dream he is having that you have just spent £33 because you felt “romantic”. When you do finally spend a realistic £6 on a nice pair of pants from TU at Sainsbury’s, do remember to remove your horribly grey over-the-gut granny pants from M & S first. But you will be tired and exhausted, and your husband will be terribly horny. So, don’t worry too much.
4) Ashley says – Spend £32 on instant fake tan if you can’t afford the time to go for a spray tan like you normally do.
Hannah says – yes, time is the only thing new mums can’t afford. Oh, that and a £32 instant fake tan! That £32 would be better spent on 10 boxes of highly caffeinated PG Tips, Ashley. If you are focussed on a tan, just wait a few more months, and until you are weaning. Feed your kid pureed carrots and then check out the fake tan you get post vom.
5) Ashley says – Spend £109 on an Ebook. Ashley says this is excellent for passing time whilst feeding your baby during the day.
Hannah says – Don’t. You wont be reading. You’ll be too busy thinking about that wee you wished you’d had half an hour ago and staring longingly at the stone cold cup of tea to your left. From yesterday.
6) Ashley says – spend £200 on diet meals delivered to your door.
Hannah says – Yes. Spend £200 on diet meals delivered to your door and expect 2 things. 1) blind and a bit batty old lady Edna from three doors down will kill you dead when she mistakenly thinks you dared to steal her Wiltshire Farm Foods. And 2) when you tell your mum and mother-in-law that according to Ashley Pearson it is actually a “very affordable home delivery service” their faces will darken, and they will “have a serious word, young lady!” and jam pack your chest freezer with home made dinners (result).
7) Ashley recommends the “Spa in a Jar”.
Ashley says – “No time to go to a spa?”
Hannah says – ” No. No I don’t, Ashley.”
Ashley says – “Poor you! Time to spend using that £49 radiance peel “spa in a jar” I believe YOU MUST HAVE TO SURVIVE?”
Hannah says – “Yeah, Ashley I do! If by “time” you mean me doing it naked and peeling whilst entertaining all my family and friends who have come to see and ogle the baby, and also my naked, peeling self, then I DO!”.
And finally, at the very very end of her list at number 15 (I only picked out the really good ones), Ashley wishes to remind us that
“Whether it’s prayer, yoga, keeping a diary or mediation, find a place to go with your worries. And whatever you do, try to be as patient and forgiving with yourself and your body as you are to your beautiful new baby”
As long as you have money.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thanks Ashley, you really did give me a GREAT laugh. And guess what? That was for FREE!