Eye Spy My Bum Cheeks Squeezing Together

Things I avoid –

1) Acknowledging the calorie content in wine

2) Using public loos

3) Cleaning out the fish. I may as well not bother doing this anyway – we have had him for 7 years and he has this amazing ability to avoid death. He has only one fin now and my mother-in-law is convinced he has a cancerous lump on his back (he doesn’t – it’s just his hump) and that he is depressed (he probably is). BUT HE JUST WONT DIE.

Oh and

4) Playing games with the children.

Yes yes yes, I know, I am horrible. In my defence, I don’t hate ALL games. I like the satisfying flippity-flip and detective work of the “Guess Who” board game. I like the macabre undertone of “Operation”, especially the Toy Story 3 version where Buzz’s ailments are a bad case of “Radar Rash” (snigger) and “Asteroids” (snort). But there are a few that make me want to fold my ear lobes in on themselves and then stuff them in to my ear holes so I go temporarily deaf. You know the ones – the ones that kids get obsessed with and are the only things they ever, ever, ever want to do and talk about and play all the live long day. The ones that make you want to bribe them with smarties and money to just sit bloody still and watch the bloody telly PLEASE. Those ones.

Don’t get me wrong. I know games are good for children’s brains and help them learn stuff in a fun and groovy manner and without it being a boring chore. I think getting people to do stuff you want them to do without them realising you are manipulating them is marvellous. I do it with Smudge all the time.

Me; “We can either watch the football on ITV” *pulls a sad face at him* “Or… we could watch (fabulous girlie chick flick which I know you hate but I adore) ‘Steel Magnolias’ on Film4″ *pulls top down to show a little bit of cleavage…and turns on Film 4*

But just as I don’t want to walk around with my lady lumps on show to get my own way all the time, I have a threshold for the amount of time I can play games for. I have a limit. It is about 10 minutes of games at a time (I am of course exaggerating – it is nowhere near that much).

Take eye spy, for example. A brilliant way of teaching a child how to spell (just kill me now). But, playing eye spy with someone who can’t actually spell, at all, for 3 hours straight, is like having to explain the punchline of a cracker joke continuously to your forgetful old relative over Christmas day dinner. Frustrating beyond measure, and yet unavoidable. And ultimately done with your head imploding in to mulch in your skull whilst you say throught gritted teeth worn down to tiny little bloody stumps.

Noooo” *pop goes a row of brain cells*Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?” *bum cheeks squeeze together with frustration*.

The latest craze in our house is rhyming and finding all the words we know in the whole wide world ever that ever, ever, ever existed ever, and that rhyme. Ed is rhyming ALL THE TIME. I don’t know where he has got this game from. It isn’t like I spend all day fannying about writing rhyming poetry on the magnificant lawn at the back of our manor house. Learning which words rhyme is brilliant, and if later on in life he becomes a world famous poet and gets rich and buys me a massive mansion with a fancy lawn that I can fanny about on, then great. But, trapped in a car trying to concentrate on getting my precious cargo from point A to point B, successfully and safely whilst someone is banging on about rhyming words and insisting upon my concentration, is tricky. And unwelcome. I can’t be nice and drive. What if someone drives like an idiot and I need to give them the wanker sign?

“Do ‘cat’ and ‘hat’ rhyme?” asked Ed from the back of the car.

“Yes!” I replied “Well done darling!”

In my mind I heard David Attenborough doing a voice over, saying “The mother here, is displaying wonderful child developmental nurturing skills. She is being encouraging, positive, and is promoting the learning process”.

Well done me, I think…just as another driver reverses off their drive and in to my path without looking.

“ARGH!” I say “YOU TURD!” and honk my horn.

“Mummy?” says Ed “Do ‘window’ and ‘spindow’ rhyme?”

“Yeeessss” I say, and pause. I think, well, I could just leave it at that and not point out the obvious error and concentrate on driving and keep vigilant for people driving like idiots and just let it go. But that isn’t me. I tried to resist it, tried to resist it, tried to resist it…aaaannnnnd… could NOT resist it.

BUT. ‘Spindow’ isn’t actually a real word, is it darling?” and I involuntarily did a patronising little head shake.

David Attenborough voice is back again “The mother here, has failed at at being nurturing and encouraging and (dramatic pause typical of Dave) will be shot at the horrific parental rising dawn of 5.30am by other mums and dads who continually and without fail find the positive in any answer a child gives, no matter how wrong they are”.

Epic fail. The icing on the cake being the patronising little headshake. You are definitely not supposed to give little patronising headshakes.

“How about… Bird and Turd?”

“EDWARD!” I say “Naughty word!” looking straight ahead so he can’t see my massive laughing grin and as I fist pump the steering wheel and think “YESSSSS! I have nailed parenting!”.

Maybe some games are not so bad after all. But where did he ever hear the word “turd”? I never swear in front of the children. Oh wait. Yeah.


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22 Responses to Eye Spy My Bum Cheeks Squeezing Together

  1. That is a brilliant post, thanks for writing it – and I’m glad it’s not just me who imagines the fly-on-the-wall documentary voiceover!

  2. AndI probably should have me mentioned – if you ever want a fish to die, name it. We’re still mourning the loss of Methusaleh. 5 years nameless, then we doomed him to death….

    • Hannah says:

      BRILLIANT fish name. Maybe he killed himself because for 5 years he was screaming at the bowl to you
      Ours is called “Colin”. Which, may explain why he is depressed.

  3. Jo Berry says:

    Joel is in to rhyming words BUT only those that rhyme with poo, wee or stink! I feel your pain. After a long day at work I just can’t play mummies and daddies with the kids especially when I am expected to be the Granny. It isn’t good for my self esteem!

    • Hannah says:

      AHAHAHA they make you be the granny?! That is hilarious! But you have an excuse – you spend all day looking after other peoples kids. You are OK to ignore your own children – you have done your bit for society. 😉 x

  4. Hannah, I think you were put on this planet to be the voice of all Mums’ guilty consciences! We have the rhyming craze in our house too at the moment, coupled with princess fairytale role play in which I’m required to act out the parts of the ugly stepsisters, the prince, Flynn Rider etc etc on an hourly basis. Even when I have the excuse of cooking tea, Cinderella is still sweeping the floor around me! Give me a boardgame or puzzle any day!

  5. Nikki says:

    I’m so glad it’s not just me who has to put up with constant rhyming words. I’ve discovered who the culprit is, this morning I took Izzie into preschool this morning and saw a sign saying ‘this term we have been doing rhyming words’ Grrrrrr! At the moment I feel like i spend the majority of my time doing rhyming words with Izzie whilst playing catch with Roxie, who can’t throw. In fact half the time she doesn’t even let go of the ball and the other half it ends up somewhere behind her, and I have to crawl around on my hands and knees to find it. Then throw it back to her, but she can’t catch, so I have to crawl off again to find it whilst I get asked about what rhymes with varoius obscure words. I’m pretty sure they have worked out that if they do this for long enough (about 2 minutes) mummy will quite happily sit them in front of the telly with chocolates!

  6. Stefanie says:

    I alternate with “yup” or “nope”… I am not really listening to what they are saying !

  7. Suzanne says:

    Ha ha ha love it – finally found a mum who I don’t have to ‘pretend’ in front of!! We just have to meet! You going to Britmums?

  8. bonniecroft says:

    at last I can say I HATE RUPERT BEAR . thank you darling .
    I feel liberated xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  9. Janey says:

    Wait til they’re a bit older and (with the aid of a never ending bank of friends) they want to do a play for you, or a fashion show……… They may have practised for hours but they will still reach a point (normally in excess of 15 painful minutes later) when they’ve come to the end of their rehearsed part but not the end of the show. Oh no, then it’s time to wing it and make it up as they go along …….. For another 15 minutes. Meanwhile dinner is burning, the dog has peed on the floor and all adults are losing the will to live in a pool of despair!

  10. Emily Evans says:

    Loving this blog post 🙂 as always I’ve had a right old chuckle x

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  12. Wine has calories in??????

    • Hannah says:

      No – it is ok. Don’t panic. I am of the firm belief that in this day and age, when EVERYTHING has to have listed calorie content, fat content, sugar content etc, the fact that wine DOESN’T have a calorie content listed on the back means it is in fact, calorie FREE. So there you go – pour a glass now. And then the rest of the bottle. Sod it – just unscrew the cap and use a straw. x

      • Firefly Phil says:

        I don’t THINK that line of argument about the calories in wine is QUITE valid, is it, dahling…? Oh, hang on a moment… forgot to look for the positive. Bu – I mean, bother…

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