Certain foods need to come with a warning. They need to be wrapped in bright red and yellow packaging, with a skull and crossbones sticker on the front and should only be available on prescription. Weaning your child? Perhaps have a friend’s kid or a niece/ nephew/ grandchild to stay? Read on.
I am not talking about the E numbers in a Haribo bear, the ethical issues of Nestle, or the salt content in a slice of bread. I am talking about the serious stuff. Weetabix and potato.
1) Foods as glues.
Ah, weetabix, it is the glue that holds my highchair together. True story. This stuff is stronger than UHU. Leg broken off a wooden chair? Arm of your sunnies snapped off? Weatabix, warm milk, allow to fester for 20 minutes, apply to break and IT WILL NEVER EVER BREAK AGAIN. Other beauties which could double up as a super adhesive are mashed potato and egg. Once those bad boys dry, you are stuck with them. Pun indended. You will never be able to remove them ever. You may as well just admit defeat and move to a new house.
2) Food? No. Eaten anyway? Yes.
Just what you need to start a day. Getting your baby out of his cot only to find he has eaten part of it.
Managed to rescue these before they got consumed. Care tyres off of a car? Life of crime beckons, methinks.
Other beauties are tiny flat batteries used in kids toys, police sirens on toy motorbikes and plastic play money. You note that all mentioned items are in fact, directed at babies and children but are all eaten by said children instead of played with. Hazard. Now I know why in the olden days tangerines were left in the bottom of a child’s Christmas stocking. Not for Vitamin C but because it was a safe toy (use it as a ball) and it is ok if it gets eaten which it inevitably will by a 2 year old.
3) Eating products fresh from the garden.
You are probably thinking “oooh yes please!” No. I am not talking about veg. I am talking about insects. If it crawls or creeps it better crawl or creep a lot bloody faster in our garden. Recently consumed insect episodes have been;
“MUMMY!! Alex is killing a woodlouse with his toothbrush! AND NOW EATING IT!”
“Sorry Han, but Alex squashed that caterpillar with that rubber toy egg and was licking it off the egg before I could stop him”.
2) Nasal unblockers.
That would be me. I am Chief Nasal Unblockerer. Genuinely renound for it in my county. I have had had friends phone me up and ask how do they remove a pea from a child’s nose?
Here is how to perform “The Kiss”.
- Put hands on hips. Glare at child
- Wipe child’s mouth clean, ensuring all bits of fish finger/ half chewed chicken/ tomato sauce are removed
- Put a finger over the good (empty) nostril
- Put your mouth over theirs
- Repeat actions
Pea/ sweetcorn will whizz out of the nostril and land with a splat on the cake you have just spent half an hour decorating.
3 times in as many weeks did I have to do that. THREE TIMES.
Peas and sweetcorn now? Banned in my house. Outlawed.
3) Food colourings.
Not fake ones. But natural ones. Strawberries are good for your kids right? Strawberries are terrible for clothing and carpet. You would think that yoghurt, being pale and creamy would be fine too wouldn’t you? Let them have a special treat and let them eat their pudding in the lounge! Don’t. When spilled it crusts within minutes and leaves suspicious looking *cough* stains on your upholstery.
Other natural food colourings that will leave you only feeding your child bread, apples and plain pasta are blueberries, chocolate and tomatoes and surprisingly, banana.
Or, do what I do, and strip your child to their underpants before feeding them.
Not actual poo, but food items that will leave a stain that looks like poo and sometimes even manages to smell a bit like poo.
These poo-pretenders are smooshed up raisens, twiglets/marmite, chocolate and again, the banana. Perhaps the banana is the most evil and sneaky of all healthy foods, managing to enter 2 of the hazard categories.
Children are instinctively drawn to making sure these poo-like food stains are left in places that will embarrass you and look like you have wiped poo about. Invited a friend or relative to stay the night? Check the spare bed. There will be a big old pretend poo stain on the clean duvet. Check the back of your skirt/ trousers before you leave the house. There will be a pretend poo stain. Putting clean washing on the line and getting the kids to help you? Check it before your neighbour sees what they think is a big poo mark on your white towel but is actually marmite fingers from the childrens toast.
1001 carpet spray and shout stain remover have saved my embarrassment many a time. I have bought shares in it. You should do the same.
So there you have it. And good luck.