Since we got rid of Sky TV in a lame attempt to save money, I have been spending near enough the same amount of money each week on paper TV guides . The only bonus of this being the supliments. I love the supliments that accompany TV mags, each page offering a brilliant and unintentionally hilarious advert of an item for sale; a foxy 20-something woman with fake eyelashes and a boob job modelling a pair of old lady floral fleece slippers with stay-on strap. Or a handsome young Adonis sat playing dominos at a white plastic ‘multi-functional easy to fold away and store table’. Many a happy afternoon I have spent playing with a friend;
“The law is that you HAVE to choose an item of clothing to wear from this old lady catalogue suppliment in TV Choice”. Each carefully playing like Battleships, strategically picking off outfits so we are not the one left with the over-the-tummy-Granny pants they would have to wear out in public (in pretend).
Until now that is…
Why in the heck would anyone ever buy this?
A why would they EVER love it so much they might not be able to afford it in one lump sum (which, by the way, is £85.96??!!!) but would look longingly at it, stroking Kevin’s picture with their fingers, turn to their partner and say
“Ooooh Martin, can we? If we do it over 4 payments, can we?”.
You can’t see it on this picture but it says in the small print, in tiny writing;
“Kevin comes alive at night, burns down your house and murders your pets”
No, it doesn’t. But I think it probably should.
It does state, however,
“Kevin is not a toy, but is a high quality art collectable”
Not a toy. Thank God for THAT! Could you imagine the nightmares following the unwrapping of this on Christmas morning?!
You know what? Instead of those life-like dolls they give wayward teenagers to stop them from having unsafe sexy time, they should dish out Kevin. Kevin may very well be porcelain and does not do life-like recorded cries or wails that have to be pacified by shoving a key in his back, but just one sleepless night with Kevin in their room, knowing Kevin’s pinched little face was staring at them, would be enough to put them off kids for life.
“NO MUM!” says hard-as-nails double awarded Asbo teenager, quivvering with fear so much his electronic ankle tag rattles
“Don’t turn out the light! Kevin will get me!”.
Yes. Yes he would.