I have one of those faces that people feel the need to tell everything too. I had a woman the other week (who I barely know) stop me in the street to tell me all about her mangled fanny after having her baby. I was told everything. It would be a marvellous story to use in sex ed classes in schools – what a contraception THAT would be. Whilst she was telling me, I could not stop stealing glances at it (btw she was wearing clothes) and nodding towards it when I answered her questions about what she should do about her gammy fu. I walked away a bit shell shocked but not surprised at being subjected to that ear worm for half an hour. My face screams “I want to know EVERYTHING about you, no matter how gory or inappropriate”. My mind, does not. So this is not an invitation for you to tell me about all your gammy bits and broken bits and infections and scrud.
Today my big open moon face meant I had 2 interactions with old people which made me smile.
There is this little old lady in my village. I think she has early onset dementia (this is from my knowledge gathered from my social work days – again, see , Social work! The proof is in the pudding!) as I see her most days on the walk to the shops, where we have the exact same conversation. She stops and asks me what my children are called and always always always comments
“Oh Alexander. Yes, his name will be shortened to Alex no doubt, at school”.
I like her a lot. It’s comforting. Like having a cuppa in the morning, or knowing Friday night is chilli and pinot night, or like being Bill Murray talking to Andie McDowell. Last week in the heat I drove past her walking up the MASSIVE slog of a bitch of a cow of a hill out of the village. I pulled over, took my empties off the front passenger seat and put them in the boot of the car (I can see your brains whirring – I am not drinking and driving. I was on my way to recycling. Tut) and U turned. I offered her a lift, with my best “Im not a pervert or a money grabbing bitch” face and smiled. I was really glad I did. In the 31 degree heat she was wearing thick tights and a heavy mac and was carrying two big bags of shopping. She has the figure of an ethiopian 8 year old boy except she is about a million years older.
Today, on my way back from town I saw her again walking up that hill. It wasn’t warm but she is old and I have a HEART so I pulled over and offered a lift. She pretended to recognise me, but I know she didn’t really, I could tell. Know what she huffed at me, a bit scowly?
“huh, well, i could have done with YOU about FIVE minutes ago”.
I smiled. I love batty old people.
Later on, whilst getting the kids in the car whilst going out AGAIN (I am a social maniac!)an old man appeared out of nowhere and scared the shit out of me. He was dressed like the Del Monte man. I said hello and smiled and he started flirting like old men do, telling me he was 80, didn’t I know and such and such. He then asked if I liked puzzles.
“Well try this” he said. And here goes…see if you can work it out”
3 old woman live together. They each put £10 in for a TV (as it is in the old days when TV’s are cheap). So they have £30. But they can’t drive so they get Fred next door to go and collect it. Fred arrives at the shop and the TV is on sale – it is only £25! Fred pays £25 and puts the remaining £5 in his pocket. He goes back to the ladies, gives the TV to them. He then gives them each £1 back. This leaves £2 in his pocket, right? So, with their £1 back, each old lady has paid….£9 each for the Tv. But wait…3 lots of 9 is 27, so that means the ladies paid £27 for the Tv. And Fred has how much in his pocket? £2. And 27+2 = 29… But he started with £30…….
He sauntered (he truly did – what a CAD) away and I actually shouted at him across our road. “WHATS THE ANSWER?!”
Can you figure it out?