The Child Alarm Clock (CAC)

*Cheesy QVC presenter voice*

Have a look, folks! The Child Alarm Clock (CAC)!

Have a baby and this alarm clock is yours! For free! Whether you like it or not! You don’t even have to fill in and send off one of the coupons in your Bounty Pack! It just arrives! Instantly! Tucked away and stored inside your pink, wriggly new life long dependent! You will never need to buy an alarm clock again! See below for variations*!

*None of the variations can be specified or avoided.  All are included.

Number One. The Zombie Slur Alarm!


This baby is holding a grudge! Against YOU! Often experienced following a battle the night before of getting them to stay in bed/ dummy removal/ no story for being naughty. This child fell asleep remembering it held some serious resentment towards you and it has woken up to let you know you may have won the battle last night, but you did not win the war! Good luck!

Number Two. The Vile Baby Alarm! (Or, simply by swapping the order of the letters, The Evil Baby Alarm! Take your pick!)

This baby needed more sleep but some nasty little tick-tock in their over tired and over stimulated brain woke them up and they hate you and the world for it! And, to be fair, often it is your fault! Set the central heating so it comes on at 5am? BAM! YOU LOSE! Go for a wee and flush the chain? BAM! YOU LOSE AGAIN! Look at your partner and say

“Oh, they are older now…I think we can get away with deviating from “the routine” a bit? Don’t you? A later bedtime just once wont hurt him, will it?”

YES IT WILL! BAM! You lose! No matter how late you put your baby to bed, The Child Alarm Clock (CAC) will not only wake you up earlier than you had hoped (considering the late-to-bed time) but will actually wake you up even earlier than ever before! And it will be the longest live (hey! Another variation on the letters) long day of your life.

Number Three. The “Have I gone mental in the night?” Alarm. What’s that, what’s that? Singing? A sweet little voice coo-ing?! You’ll be forgiven for thinking you have gone insane in the night and any moment now a Monkey Butler in an Elvis wig and a hula skirt will bring you in a cup of tea and your drugs! Or perhaps your ear drums exploded during sleep and that sweet, coo-ing, happy sound is tinitus! But no! Make the most of it! Don’t rush in to witness the sweet smile or your happy morning baby, all sleepy-dusty eyed from slumber. I assure you, they see you, they even sense you are in the room and THEY WILL WANT YOU. NO! Better to stay in bed and enjoy it whilst it lasts. Listen through the monitor and smile. But not too much or that child will hear your face move and will shout out for you. Don’t turn over in bed. The duvet will rustle. Lay still like a log. Like leap years, expect this alarm event every four years or so!

Number Four. The Fighting Alarm! Much like those Swiss clocks where the tiny people come out and beat each other the head when the clock strikes, this is an alarm which often accompanies siblings sharing rooms! Snores and sweet little sleepy mutterings about Bob the Builder and trains will be instantly followed by

“ARG! You are a poo poo head” or “ARG! You smell like poo!”

Number Five. The Dawn Chorus!


You will be forgiven for thinking you may have strapped your child in to their bed at some point during the night when you were half asleep and they are imprisoned! You didn’t! They are just lazy! But don’t discourage this one! This one is loud, yes, this one is INSTANT and in your head like an ear worm before you have even rid Hugh Jackman, (sorry your husband) from your dreams (*cough*), but it is the best of the bunch. Loud yes. Angry no.

Number Six. The Staring Stalker Alarm!

Half hear the birds singing? Aware your bladder is filling up and you may need to get up? Soonish? At some point? Yes…still sleeping…still sleepy…half open an eyeball and BAM!


Arrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh! Creepily creepied in to your room to stand and breathe in to your face until you wake up and notice them and almost have a heart attack from fear!


Don’t just take OUR word for it, take THEIR word for it!

So there you have it! The CAC! For the next 8* years you wont ever need an alarm clock again!**

*I have no idea about the length of time. Don’t sue me.

** Unless you have a really really important Wedding/ Meeting/ Appointment and you rely on your baby to wake you up in time, in which case, trust me, it wont.


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7 Responses to The Child Alarm Clock (CAC)

  1. hitmanharris says:

    I can see this is meant to be ‘humourous’ but I’m sure you can excuse me for not laughing. Our 7 month old is currently teething and has ended several of the last few nights in our bed between the two of us. When morning comes he has worked out that for Mummy to be awake she must have her eyes open so he tries to force them open with his tiny, sharp, stabby little fingers. Oh how we love him :0)

  2. Sam Dolan says:

    You missed off the bellowed 5.30 alarm call of “I’m going for a poo, can you wipe my boooooooottttoooooommmm”.

  3. pam says:

    The saring stalker alarm is a favourite of our sons……at 3 oclock in the bloody morning!!!!! arrrggghhh! and why is it, even thou this is quietest of alarms….why do you jump friggin mile!!!??? 😀

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