I need someone to clean my house for me, incuding moving the wardrobes and dusting behind them. I need someone to venture through the doorway to hell (the cupboard under the stairs) and find the boys hats and scarves from last winter. I need someone to fit a new fish filter for Colin. I need someone to sort through which boys clothes fit and which don’t. I need someone to drive Ed to playschool, hang up his coat and help him decide where would be a good place for him to start playing today. I need someone to find me a sitter for Alex so I can get Ed to the Speech Therapist and give him my unidivided attention. I need someone to listen to Ed “read” books and to help him with learning to write his name and know his letters. I need someone to get inside my brain and then write my blog for me. I need someone to shave my legs. Soon. I need someone to paint my pig trotters. Also soon. I need someone to cook healthy meals from scratch for me and Smudge and the boys. I need someone to make a star chart for Alex so we can begin to encourage him to use a potty. I need someone to mow the lawn and pick all the blackberries that are turning over and in to horrid little hard death balls. I need someone to tackle and conquer this
And then do it again tomorrow and the next day and forever and ever because it breeds.
I need someone to research garden centre offers, getting me a good deal now whilst no-one else is thinking about Spring, so that come February we can actually begin to create a decent garden with the space we have. I need someone to list about 20 items for me on Ebay. And the local newspaper selling site. I need someone to find Ed’s old shoes and wellies so we can see if they will fit Alex. I need someone to go to La Senza in Reading and buy me a new bra, in cream.
I need someone to sort out all the “filing” I have stored on a chair, under the dining room table. Make that 2 chairs worth (*sheepish face*). I need someone to worry about the household budget for me. I NEED SOMEONE TO FIX THE LEAK UNDER THE FLOOR IN THE DINING ROOM (yes, again). I need someone to phone my mum, my dad, my stepdad, my sister, my brother, my sister in law, my nieces, my nephews, my mother in law, my father in law, my brother-in-law, my brother-in-laws girlfriend, my Gran, my Great Aunt and ALL MY FRIENDS and see how are they are and to check if they are ok and what has been going on with them. I need someone to organise Christmas and Christmas presents. I need someone have a wee for me. I need someone to ASK MY HUSBAND HOW HIS DAY AT WORK WAS. I need someone to get my hair cut for me. And I need someone to organise childcare so this is possible. I need someone to go round 4 possible schools for Ed and decide on one. I need someone to go running for me and lose 2 stone. I need someone to do all my online banking. I need someone to clean the weird orange mould off the grout in the bathroom tiles. I need someone to go through all the photos I have stored and PRINT THEM OUT and to choose the really special ones for frames.
I need someone to read the 10 books I have on my bedside cabinate. I need someone to be able to sit quietly for half an hour and think of a birthday present for my husbands Gran. It requires thought. I need someone to take advantage of all the Buy One Get One Free supermarket and money saving offers I am painfully and fully aware of, but don’t have time to take advantage of. I need someone to reply to 2750 emails (seriously). I need (NEED) someone to watch Adam’s Farm for me on Countryfile. I need someone to play all the games with the boys they want to.
And I need someone to feel guilty on my behalf for not doing all of the above.
So, for Christmas, I want 100 versions of myself. Or a magic clock. Cheers, Santa. This problem is now over to you.
My husband said this was a whingey blog post. It wasn’t meant to be. This is just my week. I can not be the only person with a “WANTED” advert for an imaginary person, right? Share yours too. Prove to him I am not whingey.